|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
 |
 |
|||||||
|
|
|
|
|||||
| Jokes | |||
| 1. | Old Man's Bluff | ||
 |
A 90-year-old man was having his annual
checkup. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better,"
the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant
with my child! What do you think about that, Doc?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that lion." . . . |
||
| 2. | Pakistan's Flight Training | ||
| Pakistan just got their new Chinese fighter planes and sent
a squadron of pilots there for training. "Ok, this one is easy to fly", said the Chinese trainer, "even you fools should be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and this one for turning right!" "But how do we come down?" asked Capt."Arfath Pasha". "Oh," said the Chinese "leave that to the Indian Air Force!" |
|||
| 3. | Telephone call to Hell ! | ||
| In order to develop friendly relationship between the two
countries, I.K.Gujral and Nawaz Sharif decided to visit each other's country
regularly. The first visit was by Gujral to Pakistan. There Sharif showed him Pakistan's modern telecommunication systems. It was so good that Gujral made a call to Rajiv Gandhi in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes ! The bill for the call came to only Re.1. When Gujral came back, he also wanted India's telecommunication systems to be at the best when Nawaz Sharif visited India. Suitable arrangements were made. Sharif came to India, visited the telecom department and talked to Zia-ul-Haq in hell for 5 minutes. But this time, the bill was Rs. 500! Sharif asked with a sarcastic smile - "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India ?" A High level diplomat gave a smiling reply - "From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from India it is long distance!". |
|||
| 4. | Librarian's nightmare | ||
| What time does the library open?" the man on the phone
asked. "Nine A.M.," came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?" "Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice. "No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?" "Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out." |
|||
| 5. | Force acting on Elevator | ||
| The Marketing Class at Florida Atlantic University was discussing an elevator company that sold its products worldwide. The professor had listed on the blackboard some forces influencing the company's operations, including political climate, currency restrictions and import quotas. When he asked if anyone could name other forces that would have an impact on an international elevator company, a voice from the back called out, "Gravity". | |||
| 6. | Physical Property of Water | ||
| In a high school, at a science quiz, there was a question:
"When water becomes ice, which of its physical properties goes up?" Everyone answered: "Its volume goes up." Well, everyone except one, who wrote, "When water becomes ice, its price goes up." |
|||
| 7. | Birth Blues | ||
| My wife is pregnant... A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" The doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" The man shouted, "This is her husband!". |
|||
| 8. | Driving Nose | ||
| A young man and his wife were driving along one day. He
noticed that she kept looking at him and smiling. Then she leant over and
whispered in his ear, "Can you drive using only one hand?" "I sure can!" he grinned, thinking he was in luck. "Good," she said, "then wipe your nose; it's running" |
|||
| 9. | Mom | ||
| Mom comes to visit her son Ashdeep for dinner...who lives
with a girl roommate Jeeti... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Ashdeep's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,she started to wonder if there was more between Ashdeep and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ashdeep volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Jeeti and I are just roommates." About a week later, Jeeti came to Ashdeep saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well,I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Ashdeep Several days later, Ashdeep received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jeeti, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jeeti. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now. Love, Mom ------------------------- Lesson of the day ..... Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Indian! |
|||
| 10. | Are you Working? | ||
| The population of this country is 90 crores. 17 crores are
retired. That leaves 73 crores to do the work.There are 24 crores in school,
which leaves 49 croreto do the work. Of this there are 20 crores employed by
the Central Government, leaving 29 crores to do thework. 3 crores are in the
Armed Forces, which leaves 26 crores to do the work.Take from the total the
18 crores people who work for State and Governments and that leaves 8 crores
to do the work. Total unemployed are 6 crores that leaves 2 crores to do the
work. At any given time there are 1.2 crore people in hospitals, leaving
80,00,000 to do the work. Now, there are 79,99,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work, You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading this. Now do you know, who is the only person working? |
|||
| 11. | STOP!!! | ||
| One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone
through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the
motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same". "But you did not stop" replied the officer,"and the sign says STOP". "But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer |
|||
| 12. | 'Marriage' as defined by Man | ||
| I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to. A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower." Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your Wife's Birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying. |
|||
| 13. | One Liners | ||
| Teacher: Why are you so late? Student: Because of a sign. Teacher: What sign? Student: On my way here, I read a sign that said--School ahead, Go slow!!! Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? Junior: You said it was my lunch money Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else? Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday. Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? Customer: What other colors do you have? My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs. Teacher: Now,children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing? Student: Brotherly love. Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. Manager: Sorry,but i can't give u a job. I don't need much help. Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!! Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday? Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sportscar around it. Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his? Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog! Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken.Call the manager! Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either. Diner: You'll drive me to my grave! Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there,do you? Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me. Wife:I think he did, I've still got mine with me! Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden! Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days,you can keep it. Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! Son:That's why I say she's no good! |
|||
| 14. | Magic Mirror | ||
| There was a magic mirrior in this resturant. If you lie to the mirror you will get sucked in. A red head walks in says she thinks she's president and gets sucked in. A strawberry blonde walks in says she thinks she is as rich as Bill Gates she gets sucked in. A blonde walks in and she says "I think..." and she gets sucked in.... | |||
| 15. | A Stupid Blonde | ||
| I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... - she called me to get my phone number. - she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." - she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. - she got stabbed in a shoot-out. - she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." - she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. - she sat on the TV and watched the couch. - she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. - she tried to drown a fish. - she thought a quarterback was a refund. - she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. - if you gave her a penny for her thoughts,you'd get change back. - they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. - under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." - she tripped over a cordless phone. - she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. - at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius." - she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. - it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. - she studied for a blood test. - she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center. - she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. - she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train. - she sold the car for gas money. - when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends. - when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. - she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. - when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. - when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. |
|||
| 16. | How they do Love | ||
| Accountants do it with Double Entry Acupuncturists do it with a small prick Ambulance drivers come quicker Australians do it Down Under Bankers do it with interest Bartenders do it on the Rocks Chess players check their Mates Cops do it with cuffs DJs do it on request Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Dentists do it orally Detectives do it under cover Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers Firemen do it with a big hose Frank Sinatra does it his way Garbagemen come twice a week Gardeners do it in the bushes Gas attendants pump all day Housewives do it for an allowance Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast Landlords do it the 1st of every month Mountain climbers like to be on top Military do it on command! Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate! Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free Truckers do it in the road Travel agents do it in lots of different places Waiters and waitresses do it for tips Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them! |
|||
| 17. | Full forms | ||
|
Terms and Condition
abide by the site administrator only To Copy any thing with out permission is offendable Copyright © Buddies.4t.com 2001-2002 |